Nagato, Let's read
by Cenore
Summary: Another Kyonko fanfic but the subject is Yuuki. hahh....When am I going to finish this?
1. Chapter 1

Nagato let's read!

Disclaimer

I do not own any rights to the Suzumiya Haruhi series, nor do I claim to. I'm just borrowing the characters for a while.

Chapter 1

Nagato's reading figure stood in the corner of the room as always. His nimble fingers flipped the page repeating this action numerous times until he reached the end of a book. I remember back to the first SOS wandering town activity—Nagato checked out a book the size of a tome that day! It makes me wonder how long it takes him to read a book of that size. I don't think I'd have the patience necessary to read the entire book. An hour of reading would reveal how long the read would be. I'd probably say, "no way that's too much!" Then I'd hurry back to the library bowing my head in shame since I didn't have the metal capacity to handle such a read. Although I don't visit the library much, so this probably would never happen to me, also, I think I know my capabilities—I'm not a kid who thinks highly of herself so she gets a tome only to think I'm even more stupid in the end for choosing a tome then lying that I finished it.

Haruki sat at the computer doing probably nothing—Asahina wore the maid's uniform that made him hold the appearance of a girl. Itsuko and I were playing chess. So far I was winning—it makes me wonder why she likes board games if she always the loser. Her gleaming simile as usual made me wonder why she always wore the same disturbing smile. Although I guess simply having the appearance she has is something to gleam about. This brings up another point, how many girls envy her, and how many boys want to date her? I mean, if this was an anime she'd be the kind of character that'd have her own fan-club. Boys would be swooning over her, while the girls held up into the air fists of anger.

Hopefully she doesn't have her own club because then I'd dislike her even more! Still though why does she have such large breasts while I have nothing but nipples? That's not fair, is it? Although just for myself I have to say "I like my flat chest!" Since if I didn't, my dislike for her would grow. Also, her perfect white ivories piss me off! Did she bleach them?

Well then that leaves Nagato Yuuki, who has always protected me leaving things in place that would guide me back home alive. He even gave me a chance to live happily with him. My eyes wandered back at his still figure. He lifted his head for a mere second my eyes met his in that second.

"Kyonko."

My head went back to the game I was playing with Itsuko. I moved a pawn as bait; Itsuko studied the board for what seemed eternity. Finally deciding on a move she took my pawn with a bishop, and I in turn took the bishop with a knight. She moved her remaining rook to the knight taking my bishop. At this point I wasn't trying anymore. The goal was to end the game already—I wanted to see if it was possible for me to win with only sacrificing a few pieces but that was getting tedious. So I haphazardly started moving pieces on the board.

"Check."

Her king was directly in the sight of one of my rooks. She made the only move her current circumstances allowed, not a very good one at that, the game was drawing to a close and with that....

"Checkmate."

"Ah you're so good at chess Kyonko," she said still wearing a smile.

If only she wore a frown then this victory would feel so much more gratifying. Add tears to that reaction, and we receive a product known as "smiling Kyonko!" As it stood, I didn't have much to smile about. After all none of this changed the fact that she still had larger breasts than me as well as glimmering teeth.

My eyes wandered back to Nagato his neck length hair was getting in the way of my observations—not saying he should trim it then he wouldn't register as my Nagato. The one who saved me from any mess I was thrown into—the oh so reliable alien needed not to change any part of his appearance.

While I watched him, he closed his book, and with that the day's club activities drew to a close. Haruki stood up from the computer, and grabbed his bag then headed out the door. Itsuko and Asahina did the same, leaving me looking at the Alien who was taking his time to put his book into his bag then head out the door. I followed out after he did. Asahina still had to change.

"Bye," I called out to everyone before Asahina shut the door to change

I got two byes, and a see ya, while receiving nothing from Nagato as he continued to walk away. I couldn't help but focus my eyes on him as he walked down the stairs. Why can't he just open up a bit? I thought to myself. For some reason I was mad at him. Just a speck would do. I'd at least like to have normal conversation once. Is that too much to ask for?

I headed home in the snow that resembled him so much. It's just there in once place simply doing nothing unless disturbed by others. He'll melt into water something useful, a thing so useful we rely on it for life without it we'd die. It's impossible to live without it; it means everything to us, to me.

Tomorrow was Sunday, we'd be going on another wander around town activity, I was informed of this by Haruki at the start of club activities. This can only be said if you believe people sitting in a room doing different things counts as a club activity. At home I slipped into some slippers and headed up the stairs to my room. I had borrowed a few science fiction novels from my dad, so I opened one up after changing into casual clothing and curling up in a blanket seeking warmth. My brother came in sometime later as usual to bring me down to dinner—at least I thought that was why.

"Kyonko, Are you still seeing that boy that walked you home in May?"

In May....Nagato...?

"Or are you seeing Haruki-niichan now?"

Why did he care? It's not like I was ever seeing Nagato, nor am I seeing Haruki currently. He jumped to that conclusion after seeing he walked me home. Ah, I never did clear it up either—all I did was bribe him.... He's been to some of the SOS Brigade activities though, what would make his think I was seeing any of them?

For your information, I'm not dating anyone little brother, oh and could you please call me onee-chan for once, please.

"Really?"

He said mischievously, his smile seemed almost malevolent, or was that purely my imagination? My little brother said the following words:

"You're still dating Nagato-niichan aren't you?"

I already said no, now leave me alone.

"I won't tell if you buy me some candy."

He was completely disregarding everything I was saying—he wasn't going to listen to me that was apparent. All I could do was comply with his desires, and hope this blackmail would soon stop.

I'll buy you some candy tomorrow, now if you don't mind, I'm engaged in a very good book that you're making take longer to read than it should.

He laughed seemingly mocking me—he had some control over what I could do and not. Although this was only the second occurrence I had to buy him something, so he'd keep his trap shut. He's somewhat well behaved—a true-disrespectful sibling would continue to demand thing after thing. He was satisfied with mere candy, and ice-cream luckily my brother is pure at heart—I hope he stays that way.

"Come eat,"

My little brother said while skipping out of the room. I put the book down and followed after my weirdo of a brother. During dinner my brother kept his mouth shut—well about what he had talked to me about. Anyway after I ate, I went back up stairs to resume my reading. I don't remember what time it was when I finally fell asleep, but I'm sure it wasn't early. I couldn't stop reading it until I knew the resolution.

In the morning....

"Kyonko, PHONE!" yelled my little brother into the ear of my sleeping soma. I immediately sat up, but since my brother was holding the phone over my head, I smacked into the cold earpiece. It flew out of his hand onto the bed. I rubbed my temple from the massive pain I had just experienced; soon I clenched my teeth and hands, which were than fists.... I was about ready to scream at my brother. Still, what worried me more was what time it was...that was the reason I woke up so quickly—well you know once he bellowed into my ear. It was obvious who the caller was, which was why I was so reluctant to reach for it.

My brother got the telephone than shoved it in my face saying:

"It's Haruki-niichan, geez that hurt my hand...."

Ah thank you, although did you have to hold the phone over my head? Couldn't you hold the phone... you know away from me until I was fully awake, or was the plan to wake me up through pain?

My little brother without uttering another word left the room via the door, and he even took the time to shut the door, how gracious of him. This all left me with two choices of action:

1. This plan is very simple, I power down the telephone like nothing occurred and go back to sleep.

2. This plan although it would be the right thing to do; I'm still leaning toward the aforementioned plan. It's actually really simple I put the phone to my ear like I'm doing right now then say "hello" afterwards I get screamed at like I'm getting screamed at now....after that I hastily dress, well after fixing my hair, and going through the 'getting up routine' that is. Which only leaves the part where I leave the house forgetting to bring along a coat, so I'm bicycling, as the wind tears at body in a small thin cardigan that didn't seem to help at all.

"You're late by two hours!"Haruki announced to me, as I was shuttering from the cold. "Also you owe me...."

He made me pay for the food they had eaten as well as a fee for being late.

We went inside the restaurant by the station as usual; I sat hoping that I'd be allowed time to ingest something, nonetheless, my hopes were not fulfilled. Haruki marked two tooth picks as usual and began the group selections.

"Draw lots!"

Shouted Haruki while extending his right arm, which clenched the toothpicks that would decide who I would have to waste time with today. I hoped that I'd end up with Yuuki since we could go to the library where I could get some need sleep.

With Haruki pissed off he walked out with Asahina-san, and Itsuko. The sliding doors opened and thankfully Haruki left without verbally abusing me.

I continued to sit trying to warm up. Yuuki for some miraculous reason wasn't dressed in his school uniform. I guess even he's been somewhat affected by everything that's happened. He wore a black jacket, underneath it he was clad in a white long-sleeve T-shirt accompanied with blue-denim jeans. He looked cool, I thought.

He faced me with blank face, waiting for me to suggest where to go, I guess.

"I'm getting something to eat first, then I actually have to go buy candy....but we can to the library afterwards."

It was Nagato so I was sure it'd be okay with him. He nodded his head; his hair swayed a bit from the motion. Yuuki really is pretty cool...

Chapter 1—End


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

The restaurant was warm, still, it'd be some time until I was feeling up to facing the harsh weather conditions outside; I said we'd go to the library, so staying inside the whole time wasn't an option. Yuuki wouldn't utter any protests if we didn't venture outside, yet I felt that I couldn't suddenly lie to him. Anyway, I owed him for the many times he had saved me.

Yuuki stared at me while I ate, which was sorta embarrassing. His deep eyes looked at me as if studying me; his hands were on his lap. No matter how hard I tried to remain as composed as before, I couldn't, his gaze was piercing my soul, and I could feel my face warming up. Within seconds I went from being pale to flush purely from his stare. I wanted to say "you're embarrassing me," but that'd only further my embarrassment. The only course of action that seemed possible was to look down at the table while I ate. However, the harder I tired to retain the vision of my eyes on the food the more I found myself sneaking peaks at his surveillance of me. I wasn't going to the library without him, and I'm sure nothing was going to happen to me while I ate—well I guess food poisoning is possible...albeit I'd like to believe restaurants are caring in what they serve their patrons.....Anyway, the significance is that I was fine there is absolutely no need to study me! I'm not interesting Nagato, not like one of your science fiction novels.

I'd like to strike of a conversation about books, but he probably would only give me vague answers, and if I asked him to recommend me something, he'd only pick the book he read last without even thinking about it. For that matter, he may throw off random complex words to shut me up, like it seems he always does. His strong suit isn't words I guess, but he doesn't talk much so it makes sense. Still, I wish he'd talk to me about books; we could read the same one, sorta like a literature club activity, although I'm not a literature club member it doesn't matter—I could become one anyway—then we could compare our thoughts on it. I'd be up to it, but Nagato wouldn't he'd say something along the lines of "unnecessary" or "inessential," which would feel like an insult to me, so I'd rather not ask. The idea of me becoming a literature club member would receive the same treatment, I bet. He needs to work on his social skills that's for sure, even though I'm a girl he'd probably talk the same to me as if I was a guy that is without interest.

Even if he is a living humanoid interface, he is living therefore he must have interest like other living creatures. Reading, and computers shouldn't be enough, damn it why does he of all people have to be plagued with such a personality! If only he'd be able to show more expression then having a normal conversation wouldn't be a long shot; in all actuality it'd be an everyday experience—how nice that would be...

Still none of this influenced anything Yuuki was Nagato after all, and I guess I'm fine with that. I've learned to accept his faults—the few he has. Maybe in the end none of this will even matter how nice that would be.

While thinking of such things, I was still eating trying to stare at my unmoving food. Nagato seemed to think nothing of how I was acting as he continued to look at me without an expression. The pale skin of his face wasn't contorted in anyway, all his muscles were at rest, and ready to spring into action if need. Although, as I said, we were in a restaurant nothing happens in restaurants—well other then gun fights in movies. But this isn't a movie, so I'm indubitably sure some slow mo action scene won't take place.

Still, I voiced none of my concerns they'd only be reaching deaf ears. Nagato would probably say nothing and only continue to stare at me like if it was normal because to him, it is normal.

The food was starting to become sparse, yet the only warm part of my soma was my head, which was only because of embarrassment. How dreadful is that?

I really need some kind of heavy garment, be it a jacket, a heavy sweater, whatever I wouldn't care as long as it was warm. From the windows it seemed the weather outside was getting worse to top things off! Why couldn't it be the opposite? It'd be nice if suddenly the sun started to shine in the sky bringing with it the warmness of a summer-day! Although it's too hot in summer....I guess spring is actually the best season...but then curling up under a warm blanket in winter is nice. Nevertheless, it'd be nice if it was warm right now...

Yet this thought was doomed to failure. Humans can't control the weather—if I asked, Nagato would change it, but I'm not so sure about those consequences he spoke about at the baseball game. I wouldn't want to have worries pertaining to matters of the world. I'd like to keep matters down to how I'm going to deal with Haruki's insanity

With those thoughts, I finished my breakfast. I soon regretted it as Nagato stood up. Damn! Do you really want to go to the library that bad?

With him standing looking down at me there was no choice but to pay then walk to the door. Just thinking about the cold weather outside made me want to order something else, but my purse was getting pretty light.....

Without even thinking about it.....while standing at a safe distance from the sliding door.

Nagato the weather's cold could you lend me your jacket? I would've brought my own, but I stupidly forgot, and I know I could've gone back but it was one of those time that you don't know which choice to pick, so you pick the one your currently pursuing. You've had times like that before right....wait, you probably haven't....

"Affirmative," he said while nodding his head the slightest bit.

He took it off then handed it to me. Once again my face went crimson, what was I doing asking him for his jacket?! And why did he agree? Isn't he going to be cold, too? But....it'd seem bad if I denied this generous offering, right? Still, I was hesitant in reaching for his black jacket, and I think my heart skipped a few beats. His face still remained as pale, and blank as before which only served to make me perspire; I noticed this only to look down at the black void of the jacket, which I was still trying desperately to reach. It seemed to be miles off, yet when I reached it the pressure didn't go away, it only grew!

What was I supposed to with his jacket?

So we're back to this...

Plan one: is to return the jacket to him saying never mind or something along those lines. This would calm me down a bit which would be nice, yet it left the problem of the weather outside; let me remind you it was looking as if it would snow!

Plan two: is the more sensible of the two, well... for me not so much for Nagato. Since I already asked for his jacket, I put it on which, I'm doing right now then as my face heats up, I walk out through the sliding doors blushing with Nagato at my side.

Geez, I wonder what the people that saw me thought of my actions. Would they think we were dating? …..

With Nagato's surprisingly warm jacket covering me from the cold wind and the snow that started to flutter down a few minutes after we walked out of the restaurant, we walked to a nearby candy store to pick up the candy that my brother blackmailed me out of. The wind instantly surged us as we departed and my ponytail swayed; Nagato's hair swayed as well. What I thought was weird was that Nagato didn't look cold at all. Once again my hero....I think I'm starting to rely on him too much.

Still, the snow and tormenting wind didn't seem to bother him at all, which is pretty amazing in my opinion. For some reason I wrapped my arms around his arm squeezing it closer to me; he wasn't cold. I moved my face to recline against his arm as we walked, snuggling with him in a way, bring my soma a bit too close. My hair still swayed from the tempestuous wind. I don't even know what I was thinking anymore. My actions were becoming unbecoming of me! Maybe it was due to his reliableness.

But in the next second, I think I came to understand why I did what I did. I wanted to melt him with my heat; To warm up the ice that held him in place the cause for why he acted the way he did. He truly is just like snow...both a good thing, and a bad thing. Snow does melt into water but it's polluted by the grime of the ground and atmosphere. The pollution is his lack of emotions. Still....he didn't push me away, and I think he didn't mind maybe he even enjoyed it. If only I can filter the snow then he'd be perfect...I guess I'm not fine at all with how he acts...

Still, changing him isn't something I can do....for that I'd have to threaten to take his book or something but that'd be mean. He's only interested a few things to take those away from him, I'd have to be heartless and out for my own gain. This goes to say I don't approve at all.

If anyone did something like that, I think I'd have to scream at them, which I guess would be useless. Still, I'd scream as loud as I humanly could. How dare they take the thing that Nagato enjoys! Why don't they just go find something else to do since even if you took his book he wouldn't grow angry at you, he'd still remain as expressionless as prior to the bulling that shouldn't even be considered bulling.

The other pastime that he enjoys is playing computer games. He could be called a super hacker, I guess but Nagato wouldn't use such abilities for malevolent deeds. I wonder what he does when he visits the computer society.

The road was filled with couples partaking on walks looking similar to us this made me feel nervous. I knew otherwise, yet I couldn't help myself we looked too similar! Even down to the proximity of bodies some girls were even doing the same as me! What do you expect of someone in puberty? That's what I can blame it on, right!?

However, I grew accustomed to him in that short time, and my face went pale. Still, I held onto him he was my life and I didn't want it to end yet. The walk down the road to the candy store that made us look like a couple was pleasant even though it was snowing, having Yuuki by me made that fact trivial. With me around his arm the whole way we neared our destination, albeit I wished it would've taken longer, I didn't want it to end yet he still hadn't spoken to me after all. Reaching the door, I had to release him; he in turn opened the door for me to walk in, how chivalrous of him. It only makes me feel even more uneasy about the situation though. We still had time though we still had the library.

Anyway about the candy, my little brother didn't specify anything particular type so my best choice was of course the cheapest candy since as I said my purse was weightless, but things didn't end up that way. Funny isn't it?

Nagato curiously looked at the containers. I got the candy for my brother, but couldn't help but see Nagato's wandering eyes. It seemed to me that he wanted to try some sweet treats. I walked up to him holding the candy I had already purchased with both my hands close to my nonexistent chest.

"Nagato you want to try some? I'll buy you some okay?"

Yuuki nodded his head, his long hair swayed while his deep eyes looked at me with the same studious look from the restaurant. I couldn't help but flush a bit.

Thinking about Nagato, I brought a little of each. He's probably never tried any of them, so I think it was a good choice, although not for my purse, which was only getting lighter as the day went on.

After I bought them, I handed them to him. His nimble fingers picked one candy out of the bag, and moved it to his lips, they weren't chapped but seemed smooth. His expression after eating his first left me wordless...

He seemed to like them very much. Maybe purifying him won't be so hard.

Chapter 2—End


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Nagato quietly ate his candy as we walked out of the shop, it was still snowing outside, the little flakes each different from each other rained down on us. My hair, which was tied back, had white particles as I held onto his arm like I had been doing before we entered the shop. I don't know why I was so reluctant to let go of his arm when I knew we'd still be walking to, Nagato's favorite place, the library. Just as before, I squeezed his arm and pressed my body into it. He didn't seem to mind, he didn't even seem to care that I was doing something that if Haruki saw me, I'd be yelled at. Nagato was completely oblivious to it all, like if it was normal.

What is normal to him? If I suddenly hugged him, what would he think? Would be become flustered? I've never seen him flustered before, nor have I ever seen him blush. How he'll behave is something I'll never know until I see it happen with my own eyes. There's no clear way to predict what will happen. As much as I want to speculate, I'll be wrong no matter what, it's really all because I don't know enough about him. It seems he has no emotions, everything he does needs reasoning behind it—solid reasoning—something that if it wasn't present he wouldn't act. He's not one to make mistakes, everything he does is carried out with precision.

Could he actually say something he doesn't understand? He's reluctant to speak, could he say something based off of something he doesn't understand, a feeling that he doesn't know what it is? Or would he only continue to act as he did before because that's all knows how to do. Someone like him wouldn't do anything unless prompted to. It all could be in front of him, yet he wouldn't know what to do with it, he'd be unknowing to what he must do with it. Does he even feel pain? I don't know, does he feel anything? Or is it all something he doesn't understand? A smile something so simple for most people, can he put one on? Can he frown when he feels sad? Does he know what sadness is? When he reads, does he understand how the characters feel? Or does he just read it without really understanding why it happened? He just thinks it must happen, is that how he thinks? He doesn't do anything for himself because something must happen because it must. Is that how it is?

When he's made to act because of Haruki, does he not mind he's being used? Asahina-sempai, Koizumi, they all mind. Asahina-sempai, feelings are clear, you know when he's sad, when he's mad; you know how he's feeling; he's easy to read. While Koizumi... she seems to not care, to be oblivious to what she really wants to do, she's just hiding behind that smile—that enigmatic smile—it means nothing but pain and torment. Her wearing it makes it so simple to read her. How would it feel to have your world ripped apart, like she has? And then to have to serve the one who made her world like that—it must be painful, living like a doll. If she could, I wonder what she would really do. Would she smile less? Or would she smile more? Nagato.... is someone you can't speculate about, would his character change? Or would it remain the same—a quiet being that does nothing for himself. He doesn't chase after his desires, does he even have desires? Does he even know what desires are? Does he understand what speaking is supposed to be? Or does he just do it? What is he really? A quiet boy who's too far from everyone else to even know that how he acts affects other people, is that who he is, someone who hurts other people by being too unattached to the world? His mind is in books that he doesn't even understand. The only similarity between Nagato and the books he reads is that they follow a path that's already been decided.

Why doesn't he make a choice for himself, he waited for me to tell him where to go, why couldn't he tell me where he wanted to go? I would've followed at his side, if he wanted I would've gone directly to the library with him, and then after this foolish activity that Haruki must have happen, I would've gone to buy my brother his candy. Was he thinking of me or was he thinking of himself? Could he not tell me to stop clinging onto him? Or did his quietness mean he wanted me to continue? I really want to know and not be tricked. Why can't he just tell me how he feels? Maybe then I'd understand a little bit more about him; I'd understand what he thinks of me. Does he think of me as a nuisance? As something that just doesn't let him be at peace? He saves me over and over and over by giving me ways to escape the problems I'm in. Does he do this because he must or because he wants to? Am I really just an annoying fly that is in the way of his peaceful reading of books? I want to know what I am.... a girl or another annoyance, what am I to him?

Does what I think matter to him, or is it just something he doesn't want to hear? If I told him that he shouldn't read, would he stop reading all the time? Does it even matter, even if he would stop reading he wouldn't become any closer to the people around him. He'd still be as far away from me than before I told him. Nagato Yuuki, a name just like any other, so what gives him the right to be distanced from all the other names? Haruki, a guy who seems to not care if he hurts those around him, does he really think that, or is it just an act? A guy who treats people badly because he doesn't know anything else. When it comes down to it, even if they seem different, they're not. They both probably do things they don't understand. Haruki and his insanity, Yuuki and his quietness... the quiet is way better.... but painful at the same time. I want to be able to know how he feels; I want to be able to read him.

When I look at his face, I want to know how he feels. I don't want to see his regular blank expression, no, I'd rather see an expression of: sadness, happiness, remorse, regret, and even hate. I want him to act normally. I want to see him laugh more than anything. A laughing, cheery, Nagato would make my heart skip a few beats... I don't even know what I'm saying anymore.... Nagato is only Nagato to me that's all he can be...

We walked down the street, everything was as it was before, only with a bigger layer of snow. The beautiful snow that's impossible to hold onto forever, as it turns to water in a matter of seconds... It's too sad and I don't want to think about what that means. Nagato, continued to eat the tiny pieces of candy... his face seemed to hold a little happiness.

Aside from that, I felt bad for taking Nagato's jacket he had to be cold with all the snow. But I really didn't want to face the snow without his jacket I'd be frozen in place by now. And I really don't want that to happen. This really made me want to hurry to the library, the less time he was outside the better, I thought. I don't want him to get sick, if it's even possible for him to become sick under normal circumstances. Still, I disregarded that fact and tired to hurry him up by pulling him a bit. He once again didn't say anything and simply let me pull him down the street. Why doesn't he say something? Even if he got mad at me, I wouldn't mind it'd actually be better than seeing his same old blank face, which is only getting old at this point.

With our quickened pace it took less time and we made it outside of the library. I didn't let go of him even as we walked into the library, I really didn't care if people saw me this way; actually, I wanted them to see me clinging onto him, I think. I didn't care what they would think, let them think what they want. I'll do what I want because I want to, not because someone else wants me to. Even if they laughed, I wouldn't care, I'm doing this because I want to. They'd only be wasting their breath if they talked about "us" anyway since we're not anything, anyway. Embarrassment isn't a good reason, to not do something, it's probably one of the biggest hindrances in the world—to teens at least—I can't think of anything else that makes people refrain from doing things or vice versa. I wonder what he thinks about this... he didn't shrug me off, so he mustn't mind, either that or he doesn't understand the concept of embarrassment. I wonder which one it is... Maybe it's a little of both...

Even though I say this, I let go of his hand as he neared the bookshelves; if I was cling onto him like that, I'd only be in his way that's the real reasoning behind my actions. So I didn't do it because of embarrassment or because I didn't want them to see me like that.

I hadn't spoken to him for some time, I realized this fact as he walked in between the shelves, with me trailing behind him as he did so.

After moments of me fighting with myself to talk, I finally said:

"Hey Nagato... do you think... you could recommend me something to read?" I asked while he looked through the books on the shelves. His hands stopped searching through the many books that were pilled onto shelves to the brim.

He walked away without even answering me, I felt ignored.... I would've rather taken the suggestion about him just picking the book he had read last than him just completely ignoring me. How inconsiderate of him, nonetheless, I walked after him; I didn't want to lose him in the sea of books that'd be a disaster; it might've even been one that I would've never recovered from. He walked to another shelf, and took a book off of its proper place. I looked at him with interest as he did so. How he held it, I couldn't see the name of it, so I tired to move to see it. It's needless to say that my efforts were fruitless, or titleless in this case, and when he handed me the book, I felt I had just done something stupid...

"Is this one of your favorites?"

"Yes," he answered.

"Oh," I said a bit taken back by his answer.

I held the book with my right hand and I noticed he had his hand right at his side. Without even thinking about it once again, I did something I didn't completely understand at the time.... I grabbed his hand and interlocked our fingers. I tightly squeezed his hand. He didn't even turn to face me or say anything, I think I saw him stall a bit in looking at the books, but it simply could've been my mind playing tricks on me. He didn't let go of my hand, my hand felt moist even though he wasn't sweating...that was me... He moved a little, tugging me with him. I actually enjoyed the fact that for once he was pulling me around, and not waiting for me to tell him where to head to. This was completely him, and I didn't have a say in where we went, even if it sounds strange, I like that aspect of it. It's simply unlike Nagato, which I think is why I liked the aspect of it. It's really strange if it was Haruki telling me where to go I'd hate it, but if it was Nagato, I was entirely okay with it.

I guess things like this are really about how you feel..... so how do I feel.... No, I'm sure I'm not.... what is wrong with me!

Chapter 3—End


	4. Chapter 4

A.N.  
Maybe I need to set up a schedule for myself, so I don't end up stalling in posting and editing my work...but the things is I'd only disregard the schedule and then that would come to mean that making the schedule would be an even bigger waste of my time.

Chapter 4

Nagato walked around while I squeezed his hand, my face still felt warm, even though I should have grown accustom the feel of his gentle hand, but for some reason I was on edge. To me it was all so strange, holding hands, especially holding hands with Nagato, how could I not feel 'strange?' When did I ever think that I'd actually ever hold hands with him? The thing is I never thought I would, strange ideas like that are insane, almost as insane as Haruki himself, but justs a little less insane, a speckle less, only a speckle, a pinch. Still, I was sweating so much! And I was confused as to why. Damn, I don't even understand it all, how could I understand it all when nobody's taken the time to explain it to me! Somebody really should knock some sense into me before I do something I'll regret later...still...would I regret it? If I'm doing it there has to be reason, even if I'm not aware of it myself, there has to be a strange reason for my strange and awkward behavior. Maybe I have the flu, no, the flu usually makes you bedridden, and I feel fine. A cold is impossible, I don't have a fever, I'm completely fine. More then Haruki's brain will ever be that thing is damaged forever. We should simply put a sticker on it and call it 'spoiled goods' then we'll throw him a bargain bin somewhere, and after a few weeks we'll then throw him into a garbage dump!

I'm fine, my body is fine, I feel fine. My head's warm, but not because I'm sick. There's something else at work, something I don't understand. Why do I do these 'things' to him, I don't understand it. Once again, how could I when I've yet to learn about it, no one has taught me about _this?_ What is _this?_ Could I ever really hope to describe it with words? Well yeah, I could describe anything with words, sure they'd be meaningless since if you've never felt it then how can you hope to fathom the feeling I'm describing, but that's not saying it's impossible to describe it with words. I can say the way my body felt, but it'd be meaningless. I could take two hundred pages, but it'd still be lacking in the properties needed to describe the feeling. It could be a thousand page book in the end, but would it mean more than a ten page book? I don't think it would, and more importantly the reader would only grow bored. If it's possible it's probably better to describe it in a few words, but what those words are I don't know. If you say it's amazing, breathtaking, things like that, it'd mean so many different things. How amazing feels to someone may not be the same feeling to all, what's breathtaking to some may be an entirely different feeling for others, so saying that accomplishes nothing more than wasting some time on writing it.

Words, you can describe so many things with them, but can accurately describe them? If I said 'the way he looks at books is bizarre'...wouldn't someone out there first think I was talking about the way he held them? But I was talking about the way he scanned them from the top to the bottom. I could say 'the way he looks at books is bizarre, his eyes went up and down the front and back covers,' still it seems washed out, lacking to say the least. If I wanted to properly explain it and the entire scene, I'd need many more details, boring details...

The sweat on my hand was suffocating...but I'm okay, I can breathe.... My body was ready to topple over and knock shelves down, simply because, I was holding his hand.

I'm saying the same thing here, or at least, I'm trying to say the same thing. The thing is, the latter would could interpreted in many different ways, while the former is simple; I felt queasy. So which one would be better comprehended, I'd say the first one, it's easy to read but no very deep into the entire feeling. So then it'd be the second, which could imply I felt like I had the flu. But I don't feel like I have the flu...so which one is better? I guess either way it'll never be perfect, this along with many other things has too many flaws, but in saying that nothing should be perfect. Nothing can be perfect would be more accurate. But it's nice to think that things are perfect since it's rather pessimistic to think nothing is perfect. Still is being a pessimist a bad thing?

Regardless, I felt strange, out of place, like it wasn't me that was doing those things. Or maybe that sentence is entirely flawed. Maybe for once, I felt like it was me, for once I was doing what I wanted, maybe that's right. But is it right to say I 'wanted' that? Did I really want that, the problem is, I don't understand myself anymore, who am I? Have I been here this whole time? Really, when I did what I did, I didn't think about it very much, I just did it, simple and pure I performed them and once I had, I felt that I never wanted to let go. But I don't understand why I don't want to let go. It feels strange almost like I'm crazy, I'm insane...to put it simple, I'm insane. His hand, how he pulled me, and more then anything, how I felt I couldn't talk. If I said something I might risk something happening.... I don't know what that something is though!

My body felt so weak, I couldn't control a muscle, they were moving by themselves as if they knew what was better for me. I couldn't do anything but let him guide me around, it was almost surreal, I say almost because if it was surreal it'd seem too much like a dream, which it could be....although it'd only be ironic...so I hope it's not.

Saying that would a person be able to understand what I mean? Actually, yeah they would be able to understand me, but why couldn't I just say: 'I felt like it was a dream,' this would make it much simpler... and easy to read. Sure saying it simple gets no feeling across, but it's still saying it. And I have to say, it still even in the first way, lacking, it doesn't carry my full emotions...

His nimble fingers moved across the shelf searching for the next object to squander time on, his other hand continued to hold me, the way it felt, the way his hand was so warm, they way I felt that I didn't know what I was feeling, all of it felt....I don't know.

How can I say how it felt when I didn't understand it? It's impossible, more so than making Haruki shut up. It's almost like trying to solve a math problem without the proper formula, it's impossible saying how I felt. I understand now, no matter how hard I try, I simply can't comprehend it, I can't wrap my head around this 'feeling' this 'thought.' What ever it truly is, I can't interpret what it means, this language is too hard for me to understand. What does it means, how does it feel? If I'm feeling it, and I can't answer those questions then how can I write it down?

The jacket, the arm holding, the hand holding now, what does it all mean, why did I do those things? Hah...I don't know! Damn it, I can't understand myself, this rambling isn't accomplishing anything! It's still a mystery to me, I don't understand my own feelings, so how can I tell someone else how I feel? A feeling, a thought that feels...ecstatic? No...no.....rapture...is it rapture? Everything is so complicated, why can't it simply be happiness.......wait....happiness of another kind something that soothes my soul...that makes me happy. What else could it be? It's not making me feel depressed, it's actually something that I don't want to stop feeling, which means it must feel good like happiness does.

Happiness, I mean...everyone at least once in there life has felt happy...like the world just can't any better, or any worse....either way, it still works. At the very least I can hope, even if it's foolish that everyone has felt 'it' least once, everyone should feel that feeling once. Holding his hand, sweating, nervousness, it all felt otherworldly, hows that feel? My mind, my body, they were sweating, perspiring throwing away the things that mad me feel bad, the thoughts that were unnecessary they were being purged due to his presence or even better because the warmth of his hand. Every sicking thought, all those bad times, Haruki yelling at me this morning they were little details that I didn't even care about anymore. The bruise didn't bother anymore...his presence numbed all the bad things.......how I explain it, no matter what way, it was happiness, pure joy.

Those last words don't justly describe it, saying Haruki is a moron doesn't do him justice. It's the same, ….I have to say what the feeling is, but can't I just use 'happiness' instead of what everybody else calls it? Isn't it the same thing. To the point, Haruki is insane, not just a moron, while 'happiness' is amazing will I say breathtaking? Eh....it works....it was breathtaking. Either way it's indescribable.

Things like this can only be described to those who have felt it before....it's rather depressing when you think of it that way. Still even saying this, how I feel wouldn't be the same way someone else would feel. 'Happiness' may be something different to someone else...either way this has all just been a waste of time....

I'll never get the right words, they don't exist. If I make up words then define them accordingly, the definitions would be unknown to everyone but me unless I explained those words, but how could I? A drawing, a book, a painting, a novel...either way it's not going to capture how you feel...I can't stare at a painting and get the emotion...maybe I'm not an 'art admirer,' who has a favorite painting...because how I see every medium lacks...even photos fail....they just fake...even if they're not. A masterpiece is nothing more than another piece....that's all it can be...nothing is perfect but it's a nice idea. And it's a nice compliment. Who doesn't want to hear sweat compliments?

Who really doesn't want to be loved? ...the thing is everyone, even if they think they don't, they want someone to love them... At the very least someone to talk to... love is something that means so many things... 'happiness' who doesn't want to be happy? I don't know the answer to that question, does anybody? I think naught. If masochists love pain, and sadists enjoy the pain of others, what's the difference? If they find happiness that way then good for them....although 'happiness' means something weird here....

His hands reached for a book and never put it back. His eyes scanned it up and down, his hand still held me, and I felt so warm. I felt wasting time in a boring manner like this wasn't a big pain when I was with him. He pulled me with him as I squeezed his hand. We moved up to the counter, his steps and mine seemed synchronized, even though in reality they weren't. It's not like we could plan to step at the same time without talking to each other. When we reached the counter, he placed the book on it, then reached for his back pocket while still holding onto me. Even though he was reaching for his right back pocket, he still held onto me. I was being a hassle, a disturbance, yet he acted like I wasn't and didn't let. He insisted to reach for his right pocket with his left hand. If he didn't let go even though I was disturbing him, then that means....no...I can't simply....tell myself things...that'd be stupid. What if, I was wrong in the end? ….I'll just wait...yeah...I'll wait...till I can read him...how long will that take though!

Simply be patient....but after something like this how can? Crap...I can't do anything rash...even though my body wants me to, I can't. So......I wait until...what exactly? I thought I was getting somewhere, too! But it seems that I've simply ran into another confusing labyrinth....I need a guide....

Chapter 4—End


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